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Some (although only a small portion and not the main issue) of the reason why my life totally obliterated into a thousand pieces last year was caused by everyone's inability, or unwillingness, to sit down and talk out our issues with each other. In February, one person woke up and decided, seemingly out of the blue, that she didn't want to be my friend and she hated me. Over the next three months, I attempted to get her to pin down a reason WHY, and talk to me about it. I emailed her saying if she would just tell me why then maybe we could talk and figure something out. But apparently it was too late for that. As far as I can tell, because I still don't know for sure, been building hatred towards me since freshman year. Every time we argued or disagreed, she seems to have stored it away in her "I hate Marissa" box, but never took any of it out to talk to me about it so we could resolve something. I never sat her down because I had no idea that there was a problem. When I did realize there was a problem, the box had exploded and sprayed toxic hatred all over me. It was too late. She could go to our "mediator," who turned out to be partial and definitely not neutral, to vent her issues with me. I am guilty of going to this same person to vent my frustration for everything that was going on with her. Although, I did want to talk to her myself, but she would have none of it by that point.

My point here is that when people do not sit and talk things out with each other, major shit will hit the fan. And it has started already. And not with two or three college females. With two men that SHOULD know better. There are definitely gray areas. It seems that there are only two camps: those that hate person B, think he's a liar and a cheat and a thief, and think person A is perfectly reasonable. Then there are those in camp 2 that believe person B either didn't do anything wrong or should be completely forgiven without even figuring out whether he did anything wrong or not, and that person A is a whackjob that needs a life and needs to leave.

I don't agree with these camps at all. I think everyone is innocent until proven guilty, but past behavior points to guilt, or at least the withholding of truth. I think that the whackjob, so to speak, has a point and that we should not turn a blind eye to everything the other person does. On the other hand, I think that the whackjob needs to take a breath and reign in this hatred he seems to be spewing at everyone, including a sweet, innocent 17 year old boy who probably wouldn't say a nasty word to a cockroach.

I am so sick and tired of all of this fighting. Why can't they just get the hell over whatever their problems are and sit down and talk it out? With listening, and not talking unless necessary, witnesses. I don't want my weekend fun times to be ripped apart because two immature men can't handle a simple conversation and resolve their differences like adults. If one turns out to be guilty of what the other is accusing him of, then we will deal with that appropriately and hopefully not turn a blind eye. But, if the person is innocent, I don't think we should kick the accuser out post haste. I think we should find a way to keep everyone together if it is at all possible. Take it from me, don't let it get to the point where the hatred is uncontrollable. People will likely take sides and someone will end up being severely hurt.

This means absolutely nothing to almost everyone, but it was a good way for me to express myself and get my feelings out of my head.
 
 
 
 
 
 
The year that was 2008 did not offer much in the way of happiness for me. The few good times I had were vastly eclipsed by the horrificness of everything else.

Experiencing Spain was fantastic, except for almost getting hit by a car and learning that Angela was the most cold-hearted person on the planet. The rest of Spring semester was horrible, except academically. I always seem to do well in that area of my life. I won an award for my work, presented a paper, and graduated magna cum laude. The summer was interesting. I made money and went on a few dates that never became anything. The fall found my jobless, friendless, boyfriendless, and in a full realization of how evil my mother is.

But, I have hope - sort of. I figure that, if I get accepted anywhere for graduate school, only half of my year will suck. Once August hits, I should have a whole new life to look forward to. So, there are only two months of pure hopelessness to contend with. Since I find out about something in March, I just have to get there until I have some hope. Even though things really won't get better until August, at least by March I'll have hope that they will. We won't even think about what might happen if I don't get accepted anywhere....
 
 
 
 
 
 
Clay sent me a message yesterday telling me, basically, to get over the sadness and loneliness I've been feeling lately. He said that he has a job, an apartment, and family nearby and yet he is still unsatisfied. Then, he went into a paragraph about the meaning of life, what it is, why we're here, and his overall doubt that there is a meaning to anything and why should we even bother. People like that aggravate the crap out of me. I think, sometimes, that searching for the meaning of life takes away from the meaning itself. If you are constantly searching for meaning, you'll miss the "life" part. I also don't believe that there is one single meaning to life. I think each one of us has to find our own meanings in our own lives. It may be different for everyone. Who knows. But I do know that worrying it about it constantly will not give you any answers. At least not in everyday life. Maybe those monks who sit in the wilderness for ten years and think 24 hours a day will find meaning....if they don't go utterly insane first. Besides, none of us really have time to sit around and think all the time. I would not like an existence like that. I need work or exercise or something fun every now and then.

Speaking of work, I wish I could establish an historical commune. Kind of like a permanent reenactment. I just think that so much has gone down hill from the nineteenth century, although some things have gotten immensely better. Children misbehave so much more now and there is a lot more crime. Back then, there was crime, obviously, but not as much and not as horrible. People had to work to feed themselves for the most part. Not to say that the evil ones didn't go home and beat their wives and children, but mass murders and serial rapists weren't as common. Neither was ADD or ADHD for that matter. People WORKED and kept busy. Most of us don't know the work that they did, have never felt that kind of exhaustion. I, myself, haven't, which is a blessing sometimes; sometimes, though, it's a shame. I'd like to have the feeling that I worked to put food on the table and everything I have, I earned. So much is given to us now. I really think I was born in the wrong century....
 
 
 
 
 
 
What a strange few weeks it has been. I went to the reenactment at Lake Frederick, which was a total wash. Right after we arrived, Judy called me retarded. I know she said it without thinking, but it really upset me and I was in no mood to be happy the rest of the day. And on top of that, she feels that I had no right to be upset, although even my mother saw my point, which is amazing. On top of that, Bud didn't come because (as I was told then) he was drinking too much on Halloween night. Turned out not to be true but I didn't know that then and it kind of made me mad... and then my pies didn't get eaten!

I finally got Bud's phone number on Wednesday and called him that night. We talked for three and a half hours. Since then, though, we've basically been exchanging texts and none today... I'm a little worried, but hopefully he was just busy. We'll see. He's so dang sweet, if a little on the redneck side. We don't need to talk everyday, so I'm trying to play it cool.

Other than that, nothing much else has happened in boring old Front Royal. Job/volunteering, coming home, arguing with my idiot of a mother, etc. etc.
 
 
 
 
 
 
This weekend I went to the Civil War reenactment at Cedar Creek in Middletown. We left Saturday at about 12:30. Originally, the plan was for Brandon and Wendy to pick me up in their RV. However, when I opened the door, I saw William standing there. Apparently, there was some sort of misunderstanding or timing problem, so, in one care, William, Leslie, and Eric came to pick me up, and in the other Dale and Bud rode along. Bud (aka Lewis Arthur lol) was the one that Jan introduced me to at Festival of Leaves and said "Oh Marissa's single, so are you? Great, she's 22." haha. Anyway, setting up wasn't too interesting, but very cold. Dinner consisted of hot dogs. Afterwards, around the campfire, I sat on the ground with Jenny on one side and Bud on the other. They kept me warm. He made me a big stick to put my marshmallow on. He is sooo sweet, even in making me a stick! He's really understanding about me not being able to see very well. Saturday, I woke up at about 6 and we made breakfast for the men before they got ready for battle. Friday, Dale had put the moves on strong, even though he's 40, so I tried to stay away from him. I wanted to hang out with Bud more, but Ellen's daughter, Sue, was a mess and had him around her little finger. She's nuts. She tried to noose me with my bonnet. She groined him and everything. But, anyway, we hung out all day with all the rest of the people and made lunch and all that stuff. He wanted to go to the suttlers with Devon and Marcia, and he tried to go before Sue came back. He asked me if I wanted to go and held my hand the whole time we were walking around. Actually, I think this was Sunday morning, not Saturday night, but anyway, he held my hand and groaned with Sue caught up with us. We looked like a cute little family walking around in our Civil War regalia. Anyway, back to Saturday night. The only people going to the ball were people I didn't particularly want to hang out with, like Dale, so I hung out by the fire with Jan, Judy, Jenny, Gillian, and Bud and a few others. Bud and I sat next to each other and our clothes were really close together. He told me that he's completely deaf in his left ear, which I found endearing in a way. Made me feel like he might understand what I go through a little bit. We were the last two to go to bed besides Dale and this other guy. I think we were both kind of waiting for them to go to bed so we'd be alone, but they never did so we went to bed at the same time. He held my hand walking me to my tent, and when we parted ways, he said "goodnight" in a very sweet and soft voice. He is one of the most kind hearted men I've ever encountered. I don't care if he has a daughter. He's probably a really good father. He has baggage, which William was quick to inform me, but I mean, geesh, I've got tons of it, so I can't discriminate based on that.  So he, his father, and William drove me home and he just said "See ya 'round" like a friend, so I don't know.

I went to work on Monday, but Jim was annoying the poo out of me so I didn't come in on Tuesday. I came today and Bud and his dad showed up. Luckily, I was dressed nicely and had makeup on and my hair was nice. When he first saw me, he said I looked nice! I can't figure him out to save my life, but I think that he might be interested but taking things slow, which is fine with me as long as I know there is potential. So I'm just taking it chill and trying not to obsess. But it is so hard not to when I haven't been kissed in a year and a few months and haven't had a good kiss in two years!!! I'm so ready for a relationship, but I don't want to scare him, so even if nothing comes of it, he's a nice guy to have as a friend.

I have to work on grad school stuff, but I seem to have hit this road block in my brain. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but I know I need to get a major grip and get over it. Hopefully, that'll happen soon!
 
 
 
 
 
 

So, Chelsea Handler of "Chelsea Lately" on E! can go f--- herself. She was talking about blind people protesting the "Blindness" movie (which I totally agree with by the way) and she was saying that how did they know it was about them anyway and blah blah blha. She usually makes fun of a lot of people, not just PWD, but she went a little far this time. Sometimes I feel like no one gives a shit about us unless they think they can look better for charity or something. Makes me so mad but I know it won't change.
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
I am so messed up, and probably will be for the rest of my life. Part of it has to do with the ignorance and horrible treatment of people based on my vision, but most of it is because of my mother. She is a woman who pushed her daughter away when she tried to give her a hug at age 8. A woman who, when her child was a pre-teen, told her that she didn't love her father anymore, but they weren't going to get a divorce because it was "too expensive." A woman who had an affair with a teacher in high school and then told her daughter to "get over it" when she fell in love with a teacher for three years of high school (although never acted upon of course.) She is the most self-centered, narcissistic, egotistic, delusional, manipulative, drunk woman. Short of being physically abusive, she is the worst mother you could imagine.

This horrible parental figure has screwed with me in various ways. One of the biggest is my need to be loved more than others. By that I mean that I cannot stand it when someone I care about cares about someone else more than me. That has ruined more than one friendship in my life. I just get so jealous because I want to be first with someone. Why can't I be first with everyone? I'm not even close with my mother, I'm second to her with my father. He won't talk to me if she's mad at me. With my grandparents, they love me equally, which I accept and don't have a problem with. But everyone else always puts me second to someone else. I can't stand it. I know it's irrational, but I really just want someone to love me with all their heart. I see how other people treat their children, and it makes me hurt inside because I have never felt that unconditional love. The love I've received from my parents and the friends I've had in my life has always been conditional.  Not having hardly any relationships has added on to this emptiness I feel inside. No one will give me a chance. I could have some guy talk to me over the phone and on the internet for a month and when he finds out I can't see well, that's the end of that. That has happened to me on more than one occassion. Why the ever-lovin'-flippin'-you-know-what won't someone just give me a chance? It's not like I poop on the floor like that God-awful "Blindness" movie that's coming out. Do people actually believe that shit? I mean seriously. Someone actually told me last year that they were afraid I would defecate on the floor for not being able to see the toilet in the dark. It was my suitemate when our light was out in the bathroom. And now that idea is part of this new movie. Give me a break. I know some drunk asses who couldn't find the toilet who could see perfectly. I assure you, I am perfectly capable of using the bathroom by myself.

My grandparents are my saviors. If it weren't for them, I'd have given up on life long ago. They are the ones that gave me the love I craved as a child and the ones who give me support now. I don't know what I'd do without them. I know they won't live forever, and that thought literally makes me sick. Losing my grandparents would be like losing one's parents for me. I just...can't live without them. I don't know what I'll do. I have only one friend to speak of and he goes to school in South Carolina. I have others that I talk to on occassion, but not ones that would be there for me all the time or that I could tell my true feelings to. I feel so alone but I don't know what to do about it. Other than sit here and cry as I write this all down for posterity. I think that's why I use an online journal instead of a paper/pen one. My thoughts and life are so depressing that I don't really want to preserve them for all eternity. The big things in my life, yes, but not my everyday miserableness. When will it get better? It has to get better... doesn't it?
 
 
 
 
 
 
Should church and state always be separate? Why or why not? What should the nature of their relationship be?
Church and state should ALWAYS ALWAYS be separate. That is, if we enjoy our freedom and democracy. In the past, history has shown that when churh and state are in a close relationship, bad things come of it. Anyone ever heard of the English Civil War, which was basically fought over religion? All the religious wars of the 17th century, the wars caused by the Reformation, the Crusades, etc. etc. People take religion too seriously for it to be involved with the state. Everyone should have the right to worship how they please, and if church and state were not separate, we wouldn't have that.
 
 
 
 
 
 
One armed paper hanger. I have tried writing in here three separate times since two weeks ago. Yet, every time I get a sentence completed, the phone rings, my computer messes up, or somee other interruption occurs. The biggest thing has been grad school though. I have been running around without a clue for two weeks trying to get applications completed and send out packets for my recommenders and transcripts. It's insane. And to top it all off, there are people in the "applyingtograd" group who are already writing their Statments of Purpose and Personal Statements.... my apps aren't due until December and I plan to write all of mine in a few weeks. What's up with that? Am I missing something here? I'm also trying to study for the GREs, but I have newly rediscovered my hatred for anything s tudying. I hate it with a passion. I want my verbal to go up 100 points, but I can't stand to study long enough to make it happen. That's why I was a history major. Well, that's not why, but it's a good extra reason. I can read and write papers until Kingdom come, but studying for a multiple choice test? Noooo way.

Other than that, my life has been boring. No dates, work is ending, no friends, just my lovely parents...haha.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Not having a job is a pain! And not being able to get one is an even bigger pain! Another friend of mine just got one, so I'm the only one other than my ex-roommate who doesn't have one... I'd have a freakin' job too if I could drive. I could cast my net a lot farther and be in timbucktu for all I care. But I can't because I have a lot more to think about, like public transportation, etc. Bah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate living with my parents and I don't want to be here until next August... friggin'......grrrr.... I just want a darn job. And even if I do get a job, it's so late and apartments lease for a year, I'll have to live with my parents anyway!!!! Gargh!